For the Love of Fries!

My take on food is as informed as a Frenchman's on spiciness, thank you very much.

My friends can swear on the fact that I am the worst person to be taken along on a binge excursion, or if one is trying out a new restaurant or a new dish. It is true, though. I have a digestive system of a hamster. I am nauseated and feel a physical compulsion to throw up even if something strikes me even a tad funny-tasting. That's why I have grown an aversion to all the spongy foodstuffs like cakes and pastries just because I ate a cake on my birthday, as a kid, and realised I am allergic to eggs. That's why for a long time, I thought I was allergic to even cottage cheese because I ate some weird Chinese starter and threw up later. I realised after several years that I wasn't allergic to it, but my dislike for Chinese food still prevails. Anyway, so I have established that I am a fussy eater.

The upside, however, of being a fussy eater is that if there is stuff that you actually like, you'll love it enough to have it as your staple diet. Of all the several things I can think of, one of them is French Fries.

I judge a restaurant on the quality of French Fries it serves. Although no restaurant would give a fuck about the judgment of a Fussy Eater like me (yes, capital F and capital E!), I adamantly believe that French Fries are to a restaurant what socks are to an ensemble. Just like a sane man will never put much thoughts beyond playing it conventional with his socks while pulling off an attire even when he's dressing up for a special occasion, in the same way, most restaurants would hardly take any efforts to ensure their Fries are well-made. And when one says 'well-made', one doesn't need any validation by an eminent food blogger, neither does one need to be an omnivore or an omnidigestor. I always order French Fries at almost every restaurant I go to, especially the ones which are cuisine-oriented. These restaurants think that they might reap the benefits of their offres principales. and no one would care much about a side dish which you usually order as a distraction to your hands while you're chatting with your friends till the main course arrives. When someone wears an interesting pair of socks - even bordering on tastefully quirky - one can appreciate their efforts in putting in a thought behind a garment that's hardly going to be noticed or visible. My judgment of a restaurant is based on the same principle. 

Some of the best restaurants where I have ordered a plate of French Fries disappointed me. There were places where the Fries were served in miserly quantities in bowls smaller than a soup bowl, were at room temperature, could've been classified as fried potato shavings or were oily enough to tick off Gordon Ramsay. The French Fries can be made in a gourmet way as well, if you will, employing molecular gastronomy and all that. But by their own virtue, they are not the kind of food which - like wine - requires one to acquire taste over a period of time. So however fancy-ass the restaurant might be, if a Fussy Eater is not impressed by their French Fries, the French Fries are not good enough. Period. I shall leave the critique of the rest of their menu to the abler bellied.

But then, I have eaten the best of the French Fries at some nondescript restaurants as well. They were the kinds which actually distracted you from the conversation around the table and made the hand-to-mouth movement consciously voluntary and anticipating of flavour. I get a welcoming and an inclusive vibe from such restaurants which serve good Fries. They seem to have a motto which promises that no stone is left unturned while preparing even the least fancy dish.

Just to make my adulation for the Fries simpler and seem less crazier, allow me to share with you my criteria for good Fries. For them to be well-cooked, the Fries should (be):

• adequately salted,
• of right thickness, 
• hot, 
• taste as if your grandma is hiding in the kitchen personally frying you a batch, 
• hot, 
• whichever unit crispiness is measured in, that precise unit level of crispy, 
• not be limp,
• hot,
• in such a large amount that you again feel that your hiding grandma used a bigger plate just so that she could throw in some extra fries for you,
• present in a right secret ratio of crispy to crunchy (it's always a delight to find a surprising piece of French Fries crunch, but neither too often nor too few and far between),
• very hot,
• actually taste spicy, when they say spiced French Fries; and are not served with chilli flakes sprinkled on them as an excuse for the added price and adjective.
• and hot. Have I mentioned it enough already?

Nothing can be more depressing than eating the first grab of Fries off the plate and realising it does not adhere to all the commandments listed above. You might as well order a pitcher of lemon iced tea and drink it without caring for the right balance between the lemony flavour and tea-ish flavour. If you find yourself in a situation where you get a bad plate of Fries and the short end of the stick, muster the courage to return the former. Because you have no idea the kind of happiness real French Fries can give you.

Pearls Before Swine: Describing French Fries in an apt way.

Do You Read the Newspaper?

I was asked this question by the two interviewers at my Personal Interview round of Common Entrance Test: Do you read the newspaper?

Now by general knowledge, I had learnt that this question is almost a trap. Before this question was brought up, we had discussed at length about my profession as a Marketing Executive, about some concepts of Marketing which I answered correctly and about my general opinion on what can make India a global economy. And hence the above question was posed as if to find a chink in my shining confidence which I had managed to portray.

I can very well imagine any other confident boy would have said 'yes' and that as well might have been true in his case (cheers!) and right upon this affirmation, the interviewers would have sprung a weird cosmology related question to that possibly gujju commerce graduate. He would have confessed his ignorance about the issue and the interviewers would have parroted their well-rehearsed back-lash, 'Oh! Then what do you read in the newspapers? Just Bombay Times and Mumbai Mirror, eh? (sic)' And that would have forced the poor chap to be defenceless against such allegation of cultural tackiness.

But I had decided that I shall be truthful. Even though I was barely prepared for the Group Discussion and Personal Interview rounds, not having read about the current events or 'hot topics' around the world, I had made up my mind that I shall face them with honesty and little of what I knew.

The reply I gave came out as quite genuine, I said, 'Frankly speaking, no, I barely get time to read the newspaper... even watch television for that matter -'

'And that's because you are busy?' interjected the blunt one.

I smugly replied, 'No, that's because I'm occupied!'

He did not pursue the argument further. My mum rebuked me for my audacity when I narrated this incident to her, but I must state that Honesty can never be completely conveyed if it is restrained by Modesty.

Hereupon, the other interviewer asks, 'But you are into marketing, don't you think, as a marketeer, you should be abreast with the current news?'

To which I furnished a reply, complete with drawing quotation marks in the air and what not, 'Yes, indeed. But the thing is, work keeps me occupied almost throughout the day. I cannot afford the luxury of setting aside a special hour during my breakfast to go through the entire newspaper. Honestly, I don't want to "encumber myself" with the political news, scams and scandals. I have lost my interest in watching news channels since they introduced background music while showing video telecasts. Having said that, I do have a general overview about who's who and who's done what and what's going on, it's just that these days, I don't want to pursue and follow each and every news item and form an opinion about it. As far as my being into marketing is concerned, I'm pretty much well read about different products and brands. Since I need to spend a lot of time online, I do read about such stuff and that, I daresay, is enough fodder for me.'

After I finished I had a sense of foreboding that they thought I was being too smart for my general appearance. Because barring a few glances that I permit myself to such news while surfing the internet, I'm not really much of an Economic Times breed of a reader. Shameful it is, I agree, but I just hope it's a phase or a passing bad habit. I am more of a P. G. Wodehouse, Stephan Pastis, Ayn Rand, J. K. Rowling type of reader: all of whom are at the unacceptable extremities of non-approved reading material providers for Government's public entrance exam.

Well, anyway, as if to hit me in the eye with a wet sock for showing such nerve, the lesser friendly interviewer further questioned, 'OK, then tell me: who is the Finance Minister of India?'

Imagine my face like the chat emoticon :|

'Pranab Mukherjee.'

'See now how do you think you know this?' he demanded with new-found vigour.

'But this is general knowledge,' I exclaimed with already-present fervour. 'I don't need to read the newspaper to know this! I'm not dumb!'

That was that on the issue of reading the newspaper. We exchanged formal pleasantries and I walked out, feeling happy about myself, not because I defended an unhealthy habit of not reading the newspaper, but because I defended those species of (nerdy) readers who sustain on a daily prescription of humour, fiction and fantasy and can still walk around as equals among the species of those omniscient readers, with the presence of just simple wit and stark honesty.

The Dirty Politics

"Is Mayvati fit to be the next Prime Minister?" asked a news channel. 'No' was the reflex answer that rang in my head. I did not follow the debate or the discussion since I was of the firm opinion that she should be kept away from anything that resembles power, public money, or politics. The next day I read in a news article that she was felicitated with a Rs 5o million worth garland made solely of Rs 1,000 notes. I was thoroughly disgusted: Sheer politics and desperate flamboyance which does not even suit the new beacon of dalits.

Mayavati Kumari, started off with petty posts in politics. Initially, behenji, coming from an humble background with oiled plaits and ponytails, fielded the dalits for their support and had an anti-upper caste mindset. This attitude changed (along with her hairstyle which now was a short bob) when she reached out for the support of Muslims and the upper-class Hindus in the 2007 elections. A person with more political knowledge than me may tag me to be prejudiced against her. But I am so. She may pose as an inspiration for the Dalits when she makes political achievements, but erecting her own statues all over the place is pure vanity. Now there was a Dr Ambedkar statue where she built a Rs 1o million police post with ultra modern facilities and interiors (at par a luxury hotel) just for its protection. A 700 metre road that led to that statue was lined with designer lamps. Her birthdays are a grand media event where money and spirit flow in parallel streams. If this is supposed to be an inspiration to the Dalits, I don't think so, in fact this is like waving a piece of meat in front of the famished animals.

Having stated this, can India, which is such a culturally diverse and religiously pluralistic country, afford to have a PM like her? We do not need a politician. We do not need a manipulator who is skilled only in one-upmanship. I'm sure, if she attains that post, her cabinet will be filled with only her loyalists. The criterion for portfolio allocation will be based on the favors they did her. Comparing her with the current Prime Minister Dr Manmohan Singh, my prejudice against her only aggravates. The supremely educated and intelligent PM is the best representative India can have on the international platform. Be it the climate control policies or nuclear deals or border issues or global recession problems, I can imagine the embarrassment we might have faced had Mayawati been in his place. Can you imagine the way the woman, who is richly marinated in gutter politics, could have carried herself on the global stage as a premier representative of one of the most important countries of the world? The way Dr Singh financially revived the entire nation when he was the Finance Minister of India speaks volumes about his capacity as an able PM. He also happens to be the first non-political person to qualify as prime ministerial candidate of India. After a stupendous tenure, if India sees that dalit leader as its PM we'll be soon settling into times governed by caste supremacy and even more reservations.

As I said before, I am prejudiced against her, but not her dalit-ness. Responsibility of a nation is a tremendous and an all-inclusive responsibility and not an opportunity to glorify your petty agendas. Dr Ambedkar was born a dalit, and that meant he had to make do with limited financial resources, educational opportunities, social displeasure and so on. In spite of all that he strove hard and became highly educated. That was when he ceased being a dalit technically, never mind what he was born as. His attitude and forward thinking did not behove the Dalit tag. Mayawati was also born as a dalit, became literate with a few qualifications, amassed millions worth of assets but her blinkered outlook still make her a thorough dalit. What she is doing for the dalits is not going to help them much. She may give them concessions, provide for reservations, but in the end they will be remain dalits, in their own eyes, in the eyes of the rest of the people. Instead of uplifting them from the lower stratum of the society she is providing them with meagre supplies for a more comfortable stay there itself.

The brand equity Dr Singh imparts to India is unsurpassable, and election of a person lesser able than him will be a step down, while in behenji's case, a plunge down. The unsure nature of Indian Democracy worries me. Because it is hardly in the hands of the few knowledgeable and more in the hands of even fewer politicians. At the time when the world looks upon the India's stand and opinion on issues of terrorism and carbon control measures as pivotal between the developed and developing camps, we need to give that stand some substance of credibility. At the time when international universities are setting up campuses in India, we need to provide them a sophisticated academic atmosphere. Is it necessary to elaborate further who is the abler candidate?

Having written all this, I would not appeal to you, the reader, saying words like 'Let us look at the clearer picture' or 'Let us try to redefine our perception'. It is time you became self-opinionated and kept away from the herd mentality and took the right decision not only while voting but also while switching to a different television channel.

P.S. I would like to quote King Julian from Madagascar 2: Whatever happened to separation of classes?

The Strange Feelings

"The Uncomfortable Feeling" is the worst type of all the feelings I daresay. I can tolerate guilt, boredom, envy, inferiority complex, embarrassment and some other mild feelings, but The Uncomfortable Feeling wins hands down. I write about this because I did something in college - and I shall certainly not describe what - which has got me this itchy feeling. To be more clear, it was something which others might not have found stupid or strange, but I, for one, did find it so. I dunno if anyone of you ever did something goofy and then had this feeling at the back of your mind nudging you the entire day, reminding you of that moment making you wish you hadn't done it. And you are like 'Arrgh! Tomorrow, I'm gonna take some corrective steps and act really cool.' If only there was a mental eraser! I would have erased that incident first from others' memory and then mine.

Boredom is a valuable feeling. I can't say it for others, but when I am bored, I tend to introspect a lot. It can be probably because when you are so bored to do anything or can't think of what you can do, you just sit back and stare into space or potter about on Facebook. I advanced to a higher level of boredom some days back. I got bored even of Facebook. I couldn't stand reading what my friends were becoming fans of. Either it's 'someone became a fan of talking on the last bench' or '... became a fan of I don't like it when people don't reply to my messages quickly'. I am so sick of it that I don't care to elaborate on it further. Facebook really changed my daily life. Initially, with Orkut, where you had hardly anything to pass your time with, you couldn't get so addicted. And it was possible to log off after a while. But with Facebook I had this compulsive habit of commenting on some or the other post, diligently ploughing on Farmville, playing Social Interview and many other petty applications. I must really warn those who are reading this and if they can identify themselves with with this trait, that this habit can suck the real qualities out of you. I can't remember the last time when I read a book for at least two hours at a stretch. I have been trudging along with the fat novel Atlas Shrugged for almost an eternity now. The fact is, all this time, while I had been glued to Facebook, I did not realise that instead of curing my boredom I was aggravating it. I have nothing against Facebook, and don't even understand how this post strayed on to be so anti-FB but somehow Facebook and Boredom are two words I can easily co-relate. My reading habit has taken such a blow that I can actually see for myself that this post is the worst ever till now when it comes to content, creativity and style. Detestable!

Another feeling is the 'Yearning for Solitude'. Remember those times, when you were traveling to college or work, and just wanted to be busy with your thoughts when your hyper-enthusiastic friend appeared out of nowhere beaming like a Miss World? It's physically painful when the guy goes on blabbering on topics you are least interested to even think about. I sometimes wonder during such times if I, too, ever was so thick that I couldn't take the hint to shut up when the other person was keeping mum. This Yearning for Solitude Feeling may arise because of many things: a sour incident, bad mood, fight with someone and so on. And when you are in a blissful solitude you are actually nursing or self-healing your bad mood. When you have had a satisfactory time in solitude, you are fresh enough to be social again. However, this feeling should not be confused with reclusiveness. Yearning for Solitude is perfectly natural. For the ripples in the lake to settle into a still surface it is better if there blew not even a breeze.

The Simple Christmas

It was already eleven when Lock left the store. It was Christmas eve and he had to attend to several customers with their Christmas shopping that day. The store resembled an adorable shop from toy-land with strings of lights stretching along the walls and over the windows. They had a huge Christmas tree set right in the middle of the floor. It was grander than the last year's. Lock, the other assistants and the store-owner had decorated it together. At night, it looked so stunning through the windows that passers-by would actually come in to admire it.

When Lock stepped out in the December chill, he noticed the winter this year was less harsh. But it was cold enough to be a good company for his hot coffee at home. He was going to brew a steaming cup of coffee for himself, he had decided. The Christmas eve dinner at the store was filling; the store-owner had a good taste in wine.

That day Lock had bought a shiny Christmas tree star to place atop his Christmas tree. He was excited about it and he couldn't wait to show it to Lia. She would certainly love it. Their old one had to be powered by electricity and did not look much appealing. He was sure this one would light up the entire room on its own... and also Lia's eyes.

The living room looked warm in the glow of the Christmas tree. Lia had decorated the tree beautifully with colourful Christmas balls, light bulbs and tiny figurines of reindeer and a portly Santa Claus in a sledge. When Lock placed the new star at the top of the tree, it seemed as if Santa Claus with his entourage of reindeer were flying up towards it. He placed his gifts under the tree beside Lia's and looked around the room. He loved his home.

Lia had already dozed off in the bedroom while reading a book. Lock silently settled on the couch feeling the warm china cup and relishing the silent glow of the only ornament in the room: the Christmas tree. The warmth of the first draught that spread through his body was what he had longed for while walking back home.

Lia appeared at the living-room door.

'Hey, did I wake you up?' asked Lock.

'No, I was waiting for you. You seem to have had a long day.'

He nodded. Lia snuggled up with him in his arms.

'Try the coffee,' Lock offered. 'The beans are some new arrivals of the season at the store.'

'Mmm!' said Lia as she took a sip. 'They are perfectly roasted.'

A beep from his wristwatch told them it was midnight. It was Christmas. The glow of the new star now seemed magically radiant. He realised that it was the warmth of Lia against him that he had actually yearned for while walking back home.

'Happy Christmas, Lock,' whispered Lia, as she rested her head on his shoulders.

He lovingly kissed her hair, 'Happy Christmas, dearest.'

Random Rambling 2

I like the way my Random Rambling posts come about to me. They are nothing but the thinking of my hands. Yes, my hands and not my brain. If I were to think by my brain, I'd give a thought a thought and then some more thought to make it sound interesting and add a thought provoking example to make it more thoughtful. Yes, brain-power is complicated. I guess there is still an on-going research on how a brain actually functions. Scientists have still not found out what it is in the brain that "thinks". I think the Brain is really smart. Scientists found out how the universe originated, right? How did they do it? They used their Brain. They invented vaccinations against several diseases using their Brain. Their Brain works on other people when it comes to interpreting the behaviour of a criminal or a dyslexic child. To cut the meandering short, the Brain can decode anything and anyone. But it can't decode itself. Can you cut your own hair? I think not; you need to go to a salon for that. Can you give a massage to yourself? No! Hence, probably even a scientist will be unable to unravel the mysteries of the Brain by using his own brain. We work not because of the Brain, but we are the Brain. So it is little dorky of us to probe the brain and try to understand it. (Almost) everything in this universe is within the analytical realms of our Brain. If it is so smart a thing, why would it analyse itself? Can we design a robot which can un-assemble itself to scratch and then restore itself back again to its working-self? I think the Brain is just too brainy to come out in the open within the grasp of the lewdly ambitious scientists. For that I think we need avail the services of some extra-terrestrial being or someone without a brain and something else in its place. There! Case Closed! Either my brain is dead and smelly like a fossil to come up with crap like that or it is the representative leader of all the brains - smart and stupid - in the world, because it just saved them all from the exposure to the brainless humans.

Speaking of brains, I say people must start using them while giving their opinions. An Opinion is one thing that is the most wrongly priced commodity in today's times and it also does not depend in any way on the inflation index. One person's Opinion can be precious; it can change the way others think. Other person's opinion can be useless. Take a newspaper poll, for example. If Pakistan is tampering with its missiles (obtained from US) and targeting them on India, why should the common people be asked for their opinion on whether it is safe or unsafe? It is a stupid question in the first place. Why not share with us the opinion of the Indian and American nuclear scientists and (brainy) politicians? The newspaper did write about it, I don't deny. It's just that I care more for the opinion of such people... who are inside the loop. I don't think my opinion would have been influenced in anyway by the results of the poll. A minority did say in the poll that it is not a matter of concern, while a majority said it is. Does that mean, that our concern should be heightened or lowered by the percentage division of these polls? Can we say, 'Eh! There's a 24% chance that it's nothing dangerous, we need not worry'? or 'Oh my god! there is a 98% chance we can be struck with their missile, I hope the 2% chance turns out to be true.'? NO! We can't say stuff like that because like it or not, there's a missile dangling loosely above your head, we better not fiddle with it or it might just go - BOOM! In this case, it is the useless opinion that is asked for. I am intelligent enough to form a conclusion by myself and do not need an opinion of someone who is as stupid as me to support it. Worse than this are those who vote for 'can't say'! What kind of opinion is that? If you don't know what 'you can say' then just don't vote, as simple as that. It's but an Opinion wasted. Anyways, this is my opinion about Opinion and I don't want anyone's opinion about it.